Steps to dating in Japan

The whole dating process in Japan is unusually different from the typical “Hey, you’re pretty chill so let’s go out” mindset that the west has. There are several steps and rules before and after you begin to date someone. I’m going to explain briefly how the process would go for typical high schoolers in Japan.  (By the way, a lot of things I’m about to say may sound like its coming straight from a manga, but believe it or not, they really highlight all the steps clearly and simply.) 
 

First Phase: The silent crush

This is the first phase of the entire process. This is before the girl even knows her crushes name. It is a big thing in Japan to have crushes… but never to voice them out. High school is a really innocent time in their lives, and so just liking someone from afar is enough for many. We already know Japanese people can be pretty shy. They just cannot casually state “I like you.” the way the west does. There needs to be formality in it. Confrontation is extremely disliked in Japan, and avoided as much as possible. Keep this in mind when wanting to bring something up with someone and handling certain things.

Second Phase: The love letter

This is rather stereotypical, but I was surprised to know that it is still very evident in Japanese society. When a girl has a crush on someone, she might decide to give the so called ‘confession letter’ to him. Not everyone does this because obviously everyone will express their love in different ways.  Anyways, they opt to do this because it can be very discrete, and they can write down exactly how they feel in the calmness of their own home for example. The letter conveniently conveys their feelings in a less threatening way (remember no confrontation). The recipient then either accepts or rejects the girl. A popular way for guys and girls to meet is at a “GOUKON.” It is usually a small gathering of an equal amount of boys and girls. I believe they sometimes place personal belongings either in a bowl ornon the table and “draw out” pairs.

Third Phase: The beginning

This is when you first begin dating someone. It is such an innocent phase because I’ve been told nothing really changes except for the fact that you are not single anymore. In high school it is common for the girl to not approach her boyfriend if he is with his friends. A girl and her boyfriend will not particularly spend any special time with each other, or immediately become very close. In Japan, the relationship you have with your boyfriend is very private, and not something for the public or even your friends to know. Unlike in the west where every emotion and event in your life is posted onto facebook, Japanese respect their privacy and dislike public speculation.  The beginning of the relationship isn’t about immediately becoming intimate, but slowly getting to know the other person as well as you can. There is some ‘responsibility’ in taking initiative to learn little important things about your boyfriend because it is the best way to show you care.

Fourth Phase:  The special firsts

Not long after the innocent phase passes by, the relationship will deepen. A girl and her boyfriend will finally go on their first date, which is considered very special because the girl is expected to dress rather nicely no matter what they decide to do. Public display of affection is not common in Japan, and that is why in mangas they love to create that guy who breaks all the rules and kisses the girl in front of a crowd anyways. But in reality, expect to only be kissing him when it’s just the two of you.

Fifth Phase: Finally

The last phase is when you are finally a proper couple that is comfortable with each other and can be a little more intimate. During this time the girl will approach her boyfriend with more confidence, and there are no rules anymore. It is a great casual time, and you can truly say you are in a relationship at this point.

I hope you found this post informative and helpful! If you have any thoughts about this, please leave a comment! J